I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
