Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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