It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
