if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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