My first STD was from a foam party
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
