im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
