Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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