Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
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