Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
