overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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