I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
