he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
