She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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