You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Can I color on your dick again?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
