Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
