remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
