We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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