I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
