I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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