Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
