What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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