so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
