my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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