i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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