I want to make a zoo with you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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