If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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