Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
