Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize