I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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