i may or may not be watching the land before time
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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