I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
