Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
