Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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