She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
