i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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