do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
