oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
