2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
