i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
