Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
