Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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