My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
