Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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