Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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