I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Umm I'm too high to move.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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