atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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