just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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