Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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