Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Two words: nipple clamps
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