I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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