ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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