I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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