i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
