I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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