Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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