The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
