Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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