I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
