this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
