youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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