Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Randomize
