i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
