My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
