Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
