She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
