My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
