whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
